People probably know it. It is official I am going through a divorce.

I empathize with everyone who has gone or is going through separation. It is so so emotionally draining. The number of times I just want to stop what I’m doing midstep to just break down and cry. Cry my ugliest cry.

I lost a lot. Experienced a lot.

I fell into deeper debt. Severely needed to cope emotionally and mentally in unhealthy ways. Lost my job in Covid. Borrowed money for rent. Asked my therapist to offset payments multiple times. Got into depression which affected my job search.

It was rough.

Not gonna lie. It’s not a pity party. I lived. I had shelter, food, and good resume to get a job.

I found a room for rent with a very reasonable price in a modern house with roommates. It had everything I wanted in a place.

I was happy. I thought that was the best I could get!

Maybe secretly believing it’s the best I can do.

You see, I believed it because he believes it. Unreliable. Unkept. Stays up all night.

“Successful people are morning risers.” He once told me.

I would fight back at this notion. I fought back for who I am. For my being. I fought back the judgement that how I am or how I do things makes me a person who won’t succeed in life.

So much fighting because I wanted him to believe I am beautiful on my own. My constant seeking of approval combined by the yearning to be myself.

It wasn’t a good combo.

I will never win those fights as I will never meet the expectations of a bar that is unknown or one that constantly moves.

I remember feeling who I am isn’t right.

Was he right? No. Why?

Because left to my own devices, I became fine. Not just fine, like really fine!

Today I have a striving and well supported career. I afforded and bought a beautiful home. I lost friends but found family. Abundance flowed!

Left to my own devices, my house is cleaned, organized and kept. Random clutter appear then disappear.

No stress. No worry of backlash. No defensiveness. No spiraling caused by trauma by developed hypersensitivity.

Left to my own devices, I wasn’t unreliable, moody nor lazy. I was just okay. Perfectly imperfect. Living in the moment.

The bad habits calmed. The unhealthy coping mechanisms settled a bit.

Back then I thought… I only deserved a room. That I can only afford a room.

Because I couldn’t make the marriage work. Because I left the man who can do everything and maybe provide everything.

I didn’t feel bad nor sorry in my room. I loved my room. But I honestly believed this is the level I will remain… And I get to elevate when another partner comes.

Slowly on my own, I learned in the process to do many things he used to do. I work with tools. Built greenhouses and sheds (the cheap kind). Updated parts in my RV. What I can’t figure, I pay.

I did things for myself.

So today, I flourish.

As it turns out, I never needed the love that came with doing things or providing things. I, too, am capable provider. I can receive that type of love from myself without the attached expectations.

He asked me once, “why do you love me?”

Me, “I just do. I don’t know why. I like the way I feel when you’re around.”

But he insisted, “But what do I do for you? What do I bring?”

My answers were not right enough.

Today, I finally let go of seeking his approval.

Ironically I have rebuilt a life very similar to what I had before. I never needed a partner for this. Just God once I remembered He loves me. And He takes care of me.

One day, I will live again with a partner. One who loves me for me.

By then, maybe love is insisting to snuggle in the sofa or a random Fiji bottle when he remembers my water intake. Without needing to bring up these efforts expecting reciprocation.

“I love you and I want to care for you.”

You reading this. You deserve yourself. You deserve the world, and God. You deserve someone who wants to support you and your quirks and your joys. Your quietness. Or your ADHD-like hobby hopping. Or your expensive outdoor recreations. Whatever you are. Whoever you are.

I am finally proud of where I am and who I am.

The software engineer, plant parent, semi-pro organizer, RVer, dog momma, aspiring dancer and seamstress.

I am so ready to love you all!