The Faithful Moment – April 6, 2015


Many things happened after the surgery. Many things… shifted. Every month after, I would look back and not recognize the person who I was a month before.

This is more of a getting to know post. My introspective posts generally happens around 2am as @kilcher knows so well. Well at least, that hasn’t changed.

I have grown to realize, albeit a little late, that I matter. Have always had and will always will. My parents will say the same thing, but it was breaking news to my reptilian brain.

Now that I matter, all my projects / goals / achievements were mostly made out of the phantomed need to prove my worth – prove that it was a good decision to exist – prove to my family and to the world… to noone in particular.

Getting a job.
Starting businesses.
Finishing degrees.
Acquiring certificates.

At the end of it all, I didn’t need to do all these things to prove that I matter. I just matter. Period.

Now I don’t know what I really want to do at this very moment. But that’s okay, because I will matter no matter what.

It’s funny that solving your existencial crisis, creates a new conundrum: what do I really want to do in my life for me?

I’m happy being an engineer and I can see myself doing this forever but what about designing my life and the rest of my time.

I feel like I need to go on a date with myself… discover myself. What matters to be as me, and not as me proving myself to the world.

What do I like/want/love/desire?

*Pork… a lot… beyond healthy.
*I love my family, we’re funny people.
*I am liking myself everyday which is a feat because I used to not even look in the mirror.
*I like to attend festivals, for photography but I don’t do landscape photography.
*Writing. Randomly. Committed weekly writing is NOT my thing.
*Woowoo stuff. Spiritual things and energy intrigues me.
*Growing things in a garden.
*I am into experiencing culture and travel. I would want to be living nomadically.
*Love dogs
*Love learning
*LOVE personal growth.

I think I’m falling in love with myself already. Maybe in due time, I will want to thrive everyday rather than just surviving everyday.

This is me with a letter to nowhere but me.

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